To be honest, I don’t even know why I’m typing this all up. This has been going on for over a month now and I’ve gotten all the help I can get. But it’s just not enough for me.
I started my first day of high school as a freshmen this past September, transferring from a Catholic School to a Public School. It was a HUGE culture shock for me, seeing is how the Private Schools sorta hold you hand throughout your time there until it’s time to move onto another environment. The kids, though not all of them, are nice, the adults are caring and it just has this friendly environment that you want to stay in for the rest of your life. For me, I’ve been in this same Private School from the day I started Nursery School. And even before that; when my mom would do work up at that school for my older siblings who went through that school before me, she would bring me along. One of the teachers told me that she remembers when my mom was pregnant with me, coming into school to do lunch duty. that’s how long I’ve been attached to this school. I bet you can imagine how hard it is for me to now let it go and move on to another school that shares different cultures, different types of people, and a different system.
For the past weeks since I’ve started school, I’ve gone to sleep and waken up nervous as hell. The anxiety gets to me in big ways. I wake up, and instantly i feel that tight knot in my stomach, knowing I have to go to that God-forsaken school. It’s full of tramps who have to use the word "like" in every other sentence they say, obnoxious boys who like to shout out random things that have nothing to do with what they’re learning, because they think they’re funny, the girls who are just plain snobby and who think they’re cool because they’re on some sports team like softball or soccer and they wear their sports jersey every other day to school. I could go on an on and on with why these kids bother me, but I have tons of other things to say before my character limit is up. To say the least, these kids are not the type of people I want to spend the next four years of my life with. But I can’t do anything about it, which makes me more upset and angry.
I’ve told my mom. I’ve told my closest friends. But the anxiety and negative feelings still gets to me. And I have professional help. I’m seeing a psychologist in school, and I’m also seeing a therapist outside of school. Everyone now knows my problems. They know why I hate the school, how I get those nervous feelings, and how I’m already struggling with the work. But it just doesn’t work. I don’t know what else I want.
I want to leave this school so badly. If my mom went up to me right now and told me I didn’t have to go back to school, I would jump for joy. But thinking of going to another school isn’t as good. Not like my mom would let me leave anyway; she doesn’t want to pay for catholic school, and she believes going to a public school is going to be great for me. I just don’t like school in general. But I want to. I want to like school…in my old school, I would drag myself out of bed every morning. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to dread going so much this year. But I was wrong. I wish there was some way to get out of school and still have a successful life..but now that sounds selfish and silly of me, doesn’t it?
What I get nervous of every morning and every night before school, is not only the kids, but it’s the work. I was never an A student. A lot of times, I assume myself as dumb. I got my progress report yesterday and I’m already failing Math and Biology. Another reason why I’m already scared of going back even when my weekend isn’t close to ending. Because of my low self-confidence, I don’t believe I can get through the rest of High School. Let alone, the rest of the year.
I haven’t had a good night sleep since the week before school started. Even on the weekends, I can’t sleep peacefully. I just want to curl up in a ditch or something and just…disappear. I’ve had suicidal thoughts, but I’ve never actually attempted. I’m too scared to pick up a knife.
I want to be happy. And many people are trying to help me. But I’m still not happy… I want to be happy again. I want to learn away to get through this without having to worry too much. I need some boosting. That’s all.
I love art. I draw anime and read manga, and I’m a big fan of The Legend of Zelda. That’s my big "escape world" right now. When I think of all that, I get happy. When venting myself through my drawings is usually my solutions, I just feel TOO down about myself to even pick up a pencil anymore. I don’t feel like myself anymore. Everything is changing, and I’m not good at cooping with that. For the 10th time, I want to be happy.
Now that my limit is running up, I’ll st
Goo see the school counselor! It’s confidentiall–get help so that you can use your talents and energy in a way that is PRODUCTIVE FOR YOU!
Accept your life for what it is. It is what it is. If it’s a duck, it’s a duck. Don’t doubt it. It’s a duck.
When you’re walking in the hallways, hold your head high and your back straight, it makes your feel like your gliding on clouds. Also, don’t look at anybody. It’ll make you nervous.
Dress the way you like, your hair, whatever, as long as you’re expressing yourself and really putting yourself out there. Understand what you’re doing. Understand yourself and your own life. Know that school is something everybody has to go through. Know that LIFE is something everybody has to go through, and those who give up, are weak. Know that you’re strong, and can handle anything.
Hey! I’m going through the same thing but waaay worse i have the help of: ME. thats it ive talked to my mum my dad and my closest friends too but that doesnt make much difference im sorry i cant really HELP you that much since im needin a hell lot of help myslef but y dont u try getting into different groups well away from the ones you dont like?
maybe youll find that some of the people are quite nice and as 4 the weekends uv only got one of em every 7 DAYS try to enjoooy it ur away from them rnt u? try throwing a sleepover for your best friends or something i got 1 suggestion 4 ya dont let em get 2 ya bcuz if u DO u liyerally wont be able to get them outta ur head again… it sounds a bit dumb but believe me its truee…. good luck 
In most locations, home schooling is an option. Ask you mother to look into it. Tell her you’ll do the work faithfully and gratefully. That would be a solution for you.
If that is not possible, you’ll have to find a way through. If I were in your situation, I would ask for help from your teachers. And work at not letting other students bother you so much. If they are bullies, that can be a problem. But if they are simply annoying and obnoxious, ignore their behavior all you can. That’s good training for life, because there will always be annoying people and people with lower moral standards than yours.
Right now, you are cringing at the thought of your school situation. You’re in a retreat mode. If you have to stay at that school, make up your mind to make the best of it. You can do this. I’m not saying it will be easy. It will take work. But it is worth it.
I almost quit high school in my junior year, age 16. I’m so glad I didn’t. I made up my mind to do better and go to college, and I did, and later got a bachelor’s degree and then a master’s.
But I would check into the home schooling possibility. It’s provided by your state governmenrt (although I cannot speak for all the states) and doesn’t cost anything. Some states even provide computers and all study materials.
Keep up with the art. I have been painting and selling watercolors for years (more than 30) and it got me through some tough times at work after college!
Best wishes.
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you’re sisters got a great mind
